I actually haven't had a freak out this bad in my life, and this is the one time that no one is really around. Don is 'helping' but is making em feel worse about myself at the same time. Im crying, and no one cares. 

And as for you, you know who you are. Im sorry. OK? I dont know how many ways im supposed to try and tell you, or what im supposed to do to fix it, but im sorry. Im having an emotional break down and need a friend. And it's just hard not having one there. What am i supposed to do? give up everything just to make sure you're ok? I have my issues too. Im sorry if I expect you to be able to just tell me what's wrong without my needing to ask. Youve been one of my best friends for years now, you know Ill lend you an ear any time, and i shouldnt *have* to ask. Or at least I dont believe i should have to.

Just like i vent at you without you asking. I know you're going through a lot, and so am i. Bare with me if im not perfect. I dont claim to be. Nor do i want to. I just need to know that im doing something right for someone.
 

So I failed accounting. But it's not like I didnt fucking try. I hate how people make it seem like I am lazy fucking ass who didnt try.  Maybe I am just not good with numbers. Does anyone ever think of that? No. So instead of getting a congrats on doing well in your other classes, some better than expected, I get a "yeah, but you failed". Cheese and Fucking Rice.  As if i wasnt feeling shitty enough checking my marks 10mins before that was said. 

I guess my main problem is this has not a single occurance for me. It seems to happen everytime I get marks back. It usually from my family. It doesnt matter how well I do in other courses, the second they see a low mark its like "oh...you should have done this, this and this, but you didnt, and therefore you have our immediate disappointment"  Honestly, can I do anything right? I mean fuck, people wonder why I stop telling everyone my marks. What do I care? I clearly have a high self esteem. Yep. Little miss Self esteem  who is too perfect to fail anything, I am. 

Maybe I should just get over it and stop telling people things period. If i dont piss someone else off  I wind up hurting myself. 

I am just one giant sack of  fail.

I am on a massive i hate people stint right now. No matter what I can see no good that outweighs the repulsive amount of negativity that flourish from them.  Maybe ive just been reading too many books like 1984, and farenheight 451 lately, and its just getting to my head. Maybe its not.  Maybe people really do suck as much as they seem. From their ignorance to greed theres is little good to be seen, or at least in my current state of being.  

I point one thing out, people get offended, and run away. Is it because Im right? Or that they dont want to see another side of things? Or maybe they just dont like the thought of them being wrong. I guess what you dont know cant hurt you. Ignorance is bliss? Maybe. Unfortunately, society is knowledge hungry to know the difference. The ignorant are looked down upon while the intellectual remain increasinly depressed. No wonder things like suicide and bipolar disorder are become more and more common.  

Maybe i should just go to bed, or lay off the caffiene. Or both. i think it might be effecting my train of thought. Or maybe i shouldnt and just let my positivity deteriorate. Maybe its supposed to happen like this. The whole "it has to get worse before it gets better" theory.  Only its taking one hell of a long time to go away.

Removing myself from negative situations hasnt been known to help my cause.  However facing these issues doesnt seem to increase the chances of resolving it. It only makes me feel useless. Or, in my attempts to confront the problem i am ignored, only to be left feeling worse then i did when i tried.

Its funny how during highschool you go on believing that these people, some who you have thought to be your best friends, will never lose contact with you no matter what. Then half way through the first semester of college you arent on their facebook anymore, and have been removed from their live journal with no warning, not even a reason as to why. Then the people you werent as close to wind up talking to you almost every day, no matter what. The irony of it all is almost unbearable. At least now i know who is worth while, and who i can trust, if I can trust anyone at all. I am seriously doubting the ability to trust anyone. People are too inconsistant. They change too much and are way too indecisive. On wrong move and bye bye trust.  People come and go. So The only real person you can trust is yourself. But even then, you start to lose yourself in your own doubts and ignorance. Your mind starts playings tricks on you.  

It was good for me to get out of sudbury though. Now i can at least leave my house and go somewhere if i need solitude. Or at least be around people without "being" them. Watching people is fun. Especially here when they are so different. The interaction of people with one another is the only thing that keeps me sane. i cant quite put my finger on it right now, but as long as Im not apart of it, it seems to work. Maybe its the balance of solitude and a sense of belonging. Being there but not with them. Alone, but not.  Or its the general noise that people create. I hate silence. Yet I like to be left alone.  Background noise is awesome. 

Maybe I just need to listen to more happy music? However last time i tried that it didnt work either.

I havent updated a good update in awhile. So I will do a half assed job now. Idont think anyone could care too much if I decided I didnt want to post this anyways. 

School
     Ended well but i miss it. Mock trial and World issues seminar went well. The seminar went better than the mock trial which is actually surprising. Law still remained my highest mark though. I managed to raise my studies in lit by 6%. Go me. 
   Prom was amazing. Got to love Prom in a cave. If anyone wants pics their on facebook. My dress was gorgeous, but my shoes were so much better. Lara was amazed I could walk in them, and frankly, so am I. 
   Our Studies in Lit exam was awesome. Two questions, one on harry potter. That poor kid who walked in on us while we were watching the movie. "Go away we are studying" her "whaa?"
   I really am going to miss highschool. Like hogwarts it was a home away from home. And as they say, Once a regal, Always a regal. 

Summer 
 Has been rather dull so far. Ive mainly been working at Wally World.  I am attempting to get as many shifts as possible, I am going to need the job when I move. Especially since  I wont have a job when I get there. Hopefully I  can get a job somewhere by where I am going to live. Maybe a Starbucks or something, or a chapters. Actually chapters and starbucks would be bad cause Id spend all my money. But than again if I worked at say chapter Id know what I was doign. I am that cool. Id probably get a discoutn which wouldnt be so bad either.  I doubt I will work at another Walmart. I really REALLY dont want to. Mind you the discount isnt bad at all., so I may as well use it while I still can. 
I really need to start hanging out with people, or people need to come visit me at walmart more often.  My social life is really depressing. Actually. Walmart is my social life. As well as the Trekbbs, flukiescafe, renext, and facebook. Very, Very sad.

Harry Potter
So harry potter has thus far been the most exciting thing in my summer. I went to go see the movie with Katie from work. We had fun being nerds. I had my cell and everytime Id go to open it Id whisper "lumos" so itd be amusing when itd go all bright :D Shes awesome. Im going to miss her. 
I got the book and I am about 230 pages in right now. 22.98 at walmart not including the 10% discount. Plus they gave me asticker bookmark thing and a lightening tattoo. How cool is that? Id rant about something but I vowed I wouldnt give away any spoilers. (Walmart made me vow). 
Im really sad to see the series end. Really. I am.

Facebook
Is amazing. And yes, despite my dialup I have joined. And if there is anyone that is reading this who hasnt added me yet, ADD ME DAMMIT.   Actually it has been very helpful my best friend from when I was seven found me. Which is awesome cause she lives in Edmonton, which is where I am moving to. We are both very excited for me to arrive. 

Anyways. Thats it for now. I have nothing interesting to update aside from the fact that I should be researching more scholarships which I havent done ine awhile. Bah.

So I am in a bout of depression and stress. I have people from every end of the spectrum nagging at me for some reason. You need to do this you need to do that.I just want this year to be over.  I need this year to be over. I need to break away from the stress that has been ripping me apart for the past few months. The year anniversiry of my aunt dieing, parents, prom/graduating, moving out, work, homework. Every normal thing teens go through.I sound like such a fucking complainer. But its okay, cause no one reads my lj anyways. So its just a spot for me to rant without anyone caring. Or knowing actually haha. 

No matter how good I do it doesnt seem to be good enough. Im a failure for life I am. Actually I just am when Im depressed.

I think moving will be good for me, get me out of this house. Being stuck in here is messing with my brain. I feel like Miranda from The Collecter. Trapped in a place where everything is going wrong and it doesnt seem like its going to end.

I think I am going to have fun at NAIT. Even if my first year has suckeh subjects. At least I know I can go to Turbo for accounting help..if he lets me. He should, he is an accounting major. And I suck at accounting. Well, its not that it was hard accounting I took...I just didnt have a proper accounting teacher. 

I dont even know why I have been complaining lately. Im just  in a bad mood.

So much for my conversation with mel. I was just about to tell her something important too. Oh well. That always happens. 

I think I am going to stop this here cause if anyone is reading this they are probably bored out of their minds.