December 25th, 2009
Why do I always fuck the good things up?
Don and my break up would've happened anyways but, it was my fault, despite the fact that we both agreed it was for the best. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and probably the last good thing that ever will and I panicked. I guess he made me too god damned happy. So after him being her it all went down hill. I've been treating him a lot worse than he deserves, and I know i know better than that....it just kind of came out, hence the me panicking about it. I guess I was so determined to make this one good thing work that I wound up doing the opposite and pushed him away. And I hurt him and also myself.
I don;t think I can live with myself knowing how badly I messed this up. I don't even know if i can go to work in order to deal with it. I used to love my job but now I feel guilty for making Don have to deal with me when I go. I know we can avoid each other for the most part but it's still going to be difficult.
I used to love my job now I don;t want to go because I'm afraid. I have this fear that I fucked things up for him there, and if I haven't yet, well....there's still time for me to find a way.
I know I'm a bad person despite what everyone else may say.
All I have ever done is hurt people and I don't think that will ever change. I hate that this is what I do. I wish that I could stop but I've gotten so used to the fact that it's what I do I just can't help myself. When things seem to be different and looking up there's good old psycho Renee to fuck things up.
Maybe I'm just scared of letting myself be happy? Maybe I can't handle change? Or maybe it's the fact that I can't accept it when people like me for me. I'm probably just determined to prove to them that there is something horribly wrong with me and that I shouldn't be bothered with.
What's really sad is how well it's working. It's the only thing that's working actually.
I think the only person I should be proving anything to is myself. And I believe I know exactly what that is.
I really need to start working on making myself realize that I'm worth a damn, and that I'm better than I make myself out to be. I can't let myself grow paranoid over whether people like me, cause either they will or they won't . I think I need to take the time to prove to myself that it's ok to be happy, and it's ok to let other people be happy when they're around me.
I can't let my family or anyone else determine what happiness means to me, cause quite frankly I've been doing that a lot.
For example, ive been wanting to get a new laptop for 6 months to a year now and they keep finding ways to get me not too. Well you know what? Fuck them, this laptop has been making me bloody miserable and Im going to do this one thing for myself for once.
I need to go out and do something for me, rather than everything else. I'm tired of doing things that other people think will make me happy, because it won't. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to them to believe that they are making things better for me.
I also need to take the time to write down my thoughts a bit more.
Before writing this I was crying for a good half hour, and decided to start writing some of this down. And I've already calmed down a bit.
Anyways, I'm now single and looking for a rebound. Any takers?
December 23rd, 2009
|03:12 am - fuck|
I don't know what to do right now.
I just lost the love of my life and realize that i will probably never get him back. I seriously feel horrible right now. I don't know if im ever going to be able to salvage a friendship with him.
I don't think Im going to be able to sleep tonight. I need to stop crying and i need a fucking drink.
My life has gone to the shits and i have no one left to lean on.
I have never felt so depressed or abandoned.
June 25th, 2009
I actually haven't had a freak out this bad in my life, and this is the one time that no one is really around. Don is 'helping' but is making em feel worse about myself at the same time. Im crying, and no one cares.
And as for you, you know who you are. Im sorry. OK? I dont know how many ways im supposed to try and tell you, or what im supposed to do to fix it, but im sorry. Im having an emotional break down and need a friend. And it's just hard not having one there. What am i supposed to do? give up everything just to make sure you're ok? I have my issues too. Im sorry if I expect you to be able to just tell me what's wrong without my needing to ask. Youve been one of my best friends for years now, you know Ill lend you an ear any time, and i shouldnt *have* to ask. Or at least I dont believe i should have to.
Just like i vent at you without you asking. I know you're going through a lot, and so am i. Bare with me if im not perfect. I dont claim to be. Nor do i want to. I just need to know that im doing something right for someone.
why is it that im never doing enough good, and im always being replaced with someone better?
Why is don still with me?.
I dont get it
May 26th, 2009
I feel like every good feeling, every happy thought, has been ripped from my body. I have nothing left but pain. I can't smile, i can barely breath. I want nothing more than to cry, or jump off the lower level bridge; which ever one comes first, or both. I have never fought so hard, and become so powerless as a result. Maybe it's the two hour of sleep. Or maybe it's knowing that every ambition ive had over the past two years is now futile. I have no more goals, no more drive, nothing worth living for.
There's no one to keep strong for. Im just...lost. Im stuck in a moment, while everything else continues around me. My heart is swelling from anxiety and pain.
I got sent home early today because im on two hour of sleep, and i look like crap. And lord knows i feel like it.
I have no idea how im supposed to be supervising the baseball game tonight.
February 17th, 2009
|08:56 pm - Dear Los Angeles Kings,|
It's that time of the year again. The season is winding down, you're still sucking and losing a lot. But guess what?! You have a chance. This is the time where you need to go on something called 'A winning streak'.
Also, the key to winning is doing it witihn the first 3 periods. So, you know, no one else gets points.
P.s. Congrats on not being DEAD last.
January 22nd, 2009
May 2nd, 2008
So I failed accounting. But it's not like I didnt fucking try. I hate how people make it seem like I am lazy fucking ass who didnt try. Maybe I am just not good with numbers. Does anyone ever think of that? No. So instead of getting a congrats on doing well in your other classes, some better than expected, I get a "yeah, but you failed". Cheese and Fucking Rice. As if i wasnt feeling shitty enough checking my marks 10mins before that was said.
I guess my main problem is this has not a single occurance for me. It seems to happen everytime I get marks back. It usually from my family. It doesnt matter how well I do in other courses, the second they see a low mark its like "oh...you should have done this, this and this, but you didnt, and therefore you have our immediate disappointment" Honestly, can I do anything right? I mean fuck, people wonder why I stop telling everyone my marks. What do I care? I clearly have a high self esteem. Yep. Little miss Self esteem who is too perfect to fail anything, I am.
Maybe I should just get over it and stop telling people things period. If i dont piss someone else off I wind up hurting myself.
I am just one giant sack of fail.
January 12th, 2008
|10:46 pm - Blargh|
Fuck I hate people. The whole lot of you. Way to be there when i need someone to talk to.
December 17th, 2007
So. Im pretty much quitting irc for the next little (or long) while. As theres not point to me going. I annoy everyone or people be assholes to me the whole time. So voila, im solving the problem by not going at all. Wahoo.